Welcome, Future Husband

You found me, Tinder guy. You were given at most two to three basic facts about me and my first name and somehow you hunted me down. And let me tell you, you've hit the motherload.

In a world where I've gone out with someone and made it 35 minutes in before he started telling me about how "technically legal" Trump's actions are, I feel like we're all allowed to Google the people we're going to meet so that dates like that don't have to last the full 36 minutes (I needed a minute to recover from the shock.)

I like knowing what I'm getting myself into, or at least arming myself with a modicum of information. Also let's be real, it's like a really fucking fun internet puzzle.

But during my very best reconnaissance missions, I've emerged with no more than a last name, and/or an article about your high school football team winning all-state (did you know there's a football position that's just called "kicker"?) and/or the LinkedIn page you haven't updated since you worked as a Sandwich Artist at Subway in 2004. Armed with this valuable information, I can go on a date and know which state I shouldn't talk shit about, what my married name would be (is it better than Seyfried? (probably) would I maybe hyphenate? (probably not)) and that I should double check your employment situation. Not exactly deep intel.

But you. You really got lucky. Because this is a place where I have promised, before Our Lord Jesus Christ and my triple digit FB following (COUNT 'EM)(no brag) that I would be as candid about myself as possible.

So as a reward for you hunting me down, I'm going to do some of the work for you. Because you know what? Men need to be rewarded more.

I've gathered a list of info that you might find interesting, most of which I normally wouldn't just offer up to a stranger. But you're not a stranger anymore, are you. By this paragraph, you've already fallen in love with me. So I'm right on time to go ahead and burn it all down.

  • I am gonna be REALLY confusing to you about all of the following:
    • My feelings towards marriage
    • My feelings towards staying in NYC forever
    • If I spend too much time with you I might start getting really annoyed but instead of saying that I need time alone, I'll just be annoyed. For the record, if this happens, just let me disappear for a couple of days and the clouds will part. Unless I was annoyed for a different reason.
    • Which Evan I'm telling a story about (somehow I have like 15 Evans in my life)
  • I've either been in love three times, twice or never depending on my mood when you ask me.
  • I love James Blunt. And not in an ironic way. The person, the music, all of it...
  • I stopped drinking a little less than a year ago. It was mostly for health reasons so I can still go to the bar with my friends, and I actually feel weirder about it if people are choosing not to drink just because I'm around.
  • I'm terrible at team sports. Please don't make me play them. If you push me I'll do it because I'm trying to seem chill and cool but please don't ask me.
  • I'm on anti-anxiety medication to combat the high anxiety job I chose, notably without a gun to my head.
  • I was kind of a piece of shit between 23-26 so I really try to be a really decent human now.
  • I can do pretty hard crossword puzzles but they take me forever to finish.
  • After a week of work, there are only 3 acceptable planned activities allowed on Saturday mornings. I won't do anything else, and I'm 100% serious. I will CONSIDER going on a run with you after 2PM.
    • Sleeping in
    • Brunch
    • Occasion where I get a present of some sort
  • I may try to dress you by repeatedly complimenting you on individual articles of clothing you already own and hinting that something you don't would look good on you when we're out.
  • I will buy tons of stuff online and return almost all of it.
  • Sometimes while I'm washing off my eye makeup I stop in the middle and I pretend cry with makeup running down my face because for some reason I think it's the most hilarious thing ever and I think at this point it's never gonna get old for me.


So yeah. Text me.