How I Am Doing: Quarantine Edition
So a lot of you have been asking me about my skincare routine so just kidding literally no one has ever asked me that. But now that I think of it, why not? My skin is great. It was a bit touch and go when I was a teenager but now when I get a pimple it’s so unexpected and upsetting that I work from home. I take pictures of it and send to my closest friends for sympathy.
My skin didn’t just get good. It didn’t just happen naturally. I spent years trying different cleansers and toners and whatever else but I was never fully satisfied. The ones that smelled good did jack shit, the best ones smelled like aged moss, or nuclear runoff (not sure how that smells but there’s no way it’s good.) And even if you could get over the smell, you couldn’t actually afford any of them. It’s funny that in the end, I ended up with a single, fragrance-free cleanser and a single moisturizer. I never got into the habit of wearing makeup to perfect my skin. I always suspected that if I put something on top of my unfortunately imperfect face it would almost definitely accentuate whatever I was trying to cover. Or, it would kind of work but I would look like how hot people always look like up close. You know what I’m talking about. No one wants that. So I just use Kiehl’s at night and sunscreen in the morning. That’s pretty much my skincare routine. Glad you asked.
Seriously, THOUGH, people have been asking a lot how I am. This makes all the sense in the world. Asking people how they are has gone from being just the thing you say to people as you try to remember who they are and why they seem to know you- these days, we mean it. I ask everyone, and I genuinely listen, and I have genuine sympathy for everyone. It’s almost a little much. I told our HR woman today that I was just “so glad to know that you’re safe.” What a weirdly intimate thing to say someone who is just trying to schedule your exit interview (more about that later.) But I want to know, I really do. A lot of it is because I want to compare to how I’m doing and make sure what I’m feeling is correct. To be honest, though, I don’t really have a good answer to the question myself... I definitely don’t have a concise one. But that’s why the internet exists. Lots of water and Kiehl’s, thank you.
I am… fine. I am a lot of things.
I am not really lonely yet. My apartment, whom I love, is not the biggest of spaces, but as an introvert who finally had enough money to live alone, I sort of feel like I trained for this. The fact that I love people so much and love spending time without them so much has always been hard for me to reconcile, but this situation is really confirming the validity of the Rose Paradox©.
I am thinking a lot about my relationships. There’s some distance right now that I’m trying to take advantage of. And I have to say, I’m feeling pretty proud of my rigorous selection process. Right now there is no one in my life who’s not making me happier/smarter/generally better on SOME level. A few may be people for me to just laugh about, but I count those as wins.
I am baking a lot (because I’m a girl and that is what we do)(so men will want us.) I haven’t been eating very much, definitely not more than before I was stuck here. But it is almost all butter and sugar. I’m pretty sure this very moment is the onset of my diabetes.
In my last venture out for supplies, I impulse purchased a small container of heavy cream. What the fuck do I need heavy cream for? A lot of things, it turns out. Whipped cream, chocolate mousse, some fancy-ass scrambled eggs. The assembly of food really has been a reliable activity for my hands while I half-listen to 90 Day Fiancé, or 90 Day Fiancé: Before The 90 Days or 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? [sic] or 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way.
I am not doing a lot of hair washing. Having a pixie cut usually gives me some extra space to play when it comes to hair care. I’ve always known that my hair looks generally better when I don’t wash it however I’m realizing now that there is a very clear moment around the two-week mark when I go from Jennifer Lawrence to the oily itch monster and no one can look at you in a video chat situation because it could burn their eyes. I’m experiencing some minor superficial anxiety about my lack of access to hair cutting services as I don’t have any intention of trying to give myself a trim. I have a drawer full of bandanas that are already getting a lot of exercise.
I am disappointed that some things in my life can’t happen right now. I know I’m supposed to worry about the people directly affected by this and OF COURSE I do, but there’s also a part of me that’s just sad that I don’t get to ice skate, and go on dates, and hug people. If the last couple of weeks has taught me nothing else it’s that I can feel an alarming number of things at the exact same time.
I am starting a new job a week from Monday as Director of Creative Ops for Conde Nast Entertainment. I’m from a world where job offers are not offers per se, they’re just sort of life rafts, saving me from drowning in the sea of unemployment or the estuary of problematic bosses.
For the first time, I received an offer without actually asking for one. I am flattered, and terrified. It’s an amazing opportunity and I’m so excited but I’m leaving the group of people I’ve seen every day for four and a half years. I am devastated about that, and I have moments where I feel kind of crazy for leaving. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s the first job I’ve left on good terms with absolutely everyone. There were bad parts at my current job, bad enough that I took a new offer seriously, but I always knew that none of the disorganization and frustrating level of opacity originated from anyone who was purposefully trying to be antagonistic.
I am particularly nervous about starting remotely, which is obviously not ideal, and my imposter syndrome is raging. In my head, I’ve convinced myself that I somehow tricked them into hiring me and that I’m not capable of doing the job. And then that makes me angry, because guys don’t ever seem to think things like that. I cycle through comforting myself with the following affirmations:
If you’re not good at it, you don’t have to stay
If you don’t like it you don’t have to stay
Nothing means anything just chill out
You have experience now
You could maybe do this to a satisfactory result
I am a little worried about what this whole thing means for my mental health. I haven’t had any particularly bad flare ups of my anxiety in a while now. Those flares usually consist of fully debilitating fear that doesn’t let up, and let me tell you, I have not missed them.
I think that part of this was getting to a point where I’m so comfortable at work that even when things are stressful there’s still just a general feeling of balance on a daily basis. I have to give my current company, eko, credit for that- some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met work there, and in such a cool range of ways. There are funny people, similarly neurotic people, movie buffs who get mad at you because you've seen like four movies but it’s like your thing now. People who will pay you to rabbit sit for them. Some of them have seen you cry. Some have seen you cry more than once. They were there when you stopped drinking two and a half years ago. People you can play music with. People who are incredibly good at a shocking number of different things (software development, animation, guitar, poetry, data science, writing…) People you can fight with and know that it will be immediately forgotten once you’ve hashed it out. They’re a family to me, but in a way where it’s not weird that I’ve dated some of them.
I am a little worried that without this group of people constantly uplifting me that I won’t be able to do it.
I am spending a lot of time on FaceTime, or the ever-popular Zoom. I have two friends who I check in with most mornings. I’m always wearing the same sweatshirt, my morning sweatshirt. I sleep in a deliberately freezing room so when I get out of bed in the morning my entire body seizes up. It stays that way for like a full ten minutes so I keep this sweatshirt, the softest one I’ve ever owned, close by. I gave the two friends the same sweatshirt for Christmas, so inevitably at least 2 of the 3 of us are wearing it. We’re all handling this thing in slightly different ways, though the general breakdown is about the same: 20% structured hobbies, 30% doing dishes, 10% naps, and I genuinely have no idea what any of us do with the other 40% but somehow we fill it. I put it in my calendar as executive time.
I am impressed with how creative the world is getting about converting in-person activities to a remote version. Last night I attended a live streaming comedy show. I mostly tuned in just to see how they could do this- I pictured an awkward, one-sided performance with short pauses after a joke during which the comedian can only wonder if it landed. And you know what? That’s exactly what it was like. I stuck with it for an hour during which I was in a full cringe. But the attitude and the work that it took to set something like this up really reminded me that people generally respond remarkably well to limitations.
I am exercising in weird ways, and probably not enough. Every few days I’ll google “30 minute HIIT workout” and randomly pick one. I’ve also been taking streaming hip-hop classes on a site called Steezy because I’m awkward and the whitest and can’t actually shake my ass without explicit instruction. But the inside of my apartment is a safe space, and after I have to push all my furniture against the walls (gaining three extra inches in all directions) I can usually get through combinations successfully and with only minor bruises to the shins.
I am mindlessly swiping on the apps a little bit. I guess the point would be to do some early-bird shopping, but people suck at apps, myself included, even when things are normal. If you take the possibility of meeting face to face any time soon away it really becomes a huge bummer for all involved.
I am making things. Yesterday while I was on a conference call I was listening intently, of course, but also I was sewing my own face mask. I tend to work my through sewing projects extremely slowly. I’ve been trying to force myself to pay more attention to the little details and not just accept that what I make will look a little shitty in the end. And if you’re not coordinated, that means slowing to a snail’s pace so that you don’t mess up something like cutting in a straight line. For someone so type A in so many ways, I’m surprisingly open to the concept of mediocrity, and it’s a conscious goal of mine to hold myself to a higher standard of crafting.
This was my first exercise in pleats, and I gotta say it was a total success. Per the above, if I had messed it up, I would totally fine with whatever I ended up with as long as it covered my nose. So I was extra proud of myself for reading the directions and then scrolling up and reading them again. And it looks pretty amazing, especially if you’re about six feet away.
So I guess I’m good. No, better than that. I’m really good. I’m healthy (though I’m pretty sure a got a touch of the rona a couple of weeks ago) and my family is all fine. In a world where some of my close friends are facing lay-offs and widespread canceling of freelance gigs, I have two jobs. My rent is paid, and at my current rate of consumption I will never actually run out of 90 Day Fiancé franchise content. And my skin, as always, is looking great.
How are all of you?