Shelter Skelter
If your quarantine is losing its thrill, here is a list of fun activities to try to invigorate it:
Start a new job, especially if you’re prone to anxiety. You’re getting too comfortable. You’ll never achieve greatness if you don’t keep pushing yourself. And don’t sleep either.
Take a pregnancy test. Whether you’ve had sex recently or not. I mean hear me out. If you humor me and see a negative result, you’ll automatically get that signature surge of dopamine, boosting your mood, leaving you floating around your apartment in a fog of bliss for at least two full hours. If it’s positive, well then that would also be exciting just in a different way.
Do something dumb with your funds. I’m not spending money on all of the usual things so I might as well pay much, much more to do something like sign up for a monthly flower delivery, or pay for a dance class subscription that not only have I never used before but I never intend to. Get the $12 pint of ice cream from the grocery store. Wildcard, bitches.
Sew your own face mask: I went all fancy because even in arts and crafts I feel the need to beat other people. It has a floral trim and it’s pleated so it contours nicely to the curvature of my adorable face. I don’t wear eye makeup on my daily morning walks just so the neighborhood doesn’t get even sicker from the sheer sexiness.
Go all in on baths. I’ve always had this picture in my head of what a bath is supposed to look like, mostly pieced together from movies and TV. There are supposed to always be enough bubbles to camouflage the presumably naked body underneath them. You need at least six candles, and the lights need to be out. You need to have a towel under your neck that’s somehow weirdly is the perfect size for this purpose. My baths usually start by me filling the bath halfway up accidentally with scalding water and then trying to cool it down by turning it to ice water for JUST long enough. When it works, you have that optimal temperature for about 7-9 seconds before it hops on the lukewarm bullet train to freezing (incidentally my band’s first album title will be Lukewarm Bullet Train to Freezing.) And then you think, do I run new, scalding water into it AND turn on the drain for a minute? I mean it sounds wasteful but at that point I realize I already used two full bottles of bubble bath because that’s what Jennifer Garner implied that I should be doing and I don’t want it to go to waste. At some point, I stopped chasing the long bath. Instead, I embraced the shorter bath, a one-shot deal, where you fully enjoy those 7-9 seconds and then accept your fate. Either way, let me tell you- bath oils. You’re welcome. They’re like bath bombs, but they don’t do the whole fizzy thing. And I know what you’re gonna say, the fizzy thing is one of only two fun parts, right? The other one being that it turns your water a fun color? You’re right. But bath bombs are showy, they’re the guy you’re casually sleeping with. Bath oils are your boyfriend who you met at work, but he’s in a different department so it’s perfect and also he makes a respectable amount of money but still less than you. Perfect. My skin, severely, perpetually, neglected, soaks up all the amazing smelling (if not fizzy) oils and when I get out, I legitimately just sit on the couch in a towel smelling myself for like five full minutes. I highly recommend it. In conclusion, as you dim the lights and turn on the latest episode of your fav podcast where they smoke weed and talk about 90 Day Fiancé, and go to light your candles, just be careful. It only took two to burn down Britney’s home gym.
Make cupcakes and frosting from scratch, and freeze them individually so you can always have eat a cupcake as an option of what to do next in quarantine.
Don’t edit yourself on Netflix. Really get in there. Whatever tags you want. Foreign dramas, shows featuring a strong female lead who gets a rebellious haircut, rom-coms from the early aughts. Pick a hot actor from the era of Freddie Prinze Jr (or even FPJ himself) and watch everything he’s ever blessed with his participation. Put your shoes on and go outside for five minutes so you don’t forget the whole concept of the sun. Come back inside and watch Zach Braff’s oeuvre in its entirety.
Poke an earring back through the second holes in your earlobes, and then one in the cartilage on your left ear. Now your ear is going to turn red and feel like it’s on fire for a few days, but eventually, your body always remembers that they were once holes (poetic, I know) and the pain will subside, probably. Now look in the mirror. You look so cool.
Stew about your extended family’s insistence on being misinformed by some of the most transparently fake news articles on Facebook even though there’s nothing you can do about it.
Develop a crush on anyone who says a single word to you via any platform.
Take a spin through a bunch of people on Instagram you have no business stalking. Exes are really good for this, beautiful people you don’t actually know with amazing apartments are even better. Just pick whatever feels most emotionally crushing and drop a pin. I’m on my way.
Spend one full afternoon using a lint roller to clean your largest area rug. You may question the choice of tool for the job but listen you might as well do everything the slow way these days.
Take advantage of your programmable coffeemaker. You probably don’t use it nearly enough. There’s something outright magical about waking up to a full pot of coffee and not having to deal with whoever made it.
Read about blue-chip investments and put a hilariously small amount of money into buying a minuscule stake in a $200K vintage Birkin Bag.
Set new Google alerts for “student loan forgiveness” and “Andrew Cuomo girlfriend." Start checking your existing alerts again, which of course are “Fyre Festival” and “Anna Delvey” and “Amanda Bynes pregnant” and “Amanda Bynes face tattoo."
At 7PM each evening, open your window and listen to other people clapping and cheering. It’s ok if you don’t join in. The whole thing is kind of embarrassing and you’re pretty sure the doctors would rather we just stop going outside for a while as thanks. But it’s always impressive when more than two people who don’t know each other manage to coordinate a group activity.
Take a cupcake out of the freezer and let it defrost on the counter for an hour. Remind yourself that you’re a genius.
At around 1PM each day, put one tablespoon of decaf instant coffee (trust me you’ve had enough regular today) one teaspoon of sugar, eight ounces of milk and one tablespoon of heavy cream in a martini shaker. Put a bunch of ice cubes in it. Shake it up. Pour it into a cute cup. You are basically European.
You’re gonna want to embrace your hair as it is right now. Do not take a pair of scissors to it. It can be done well, but let’s be real- probably not by you. Order some bandanas online. Use this time to create a Pinterest board with pictures of all of the celebrities you’ll unrealistically ask to emulate in the future once your hairstylist gets her hands on you again. This is a time of thoughtful consideration and planning. This is not the time for bravery, people.